Emily
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ok here is she again. how many years later. crying her eyes out praying to god to please make the pain go away. depression and sadness hurts like chest pains from congestive heart failure. i wonder if nitroglycerin will cure me? i pray and i beg and i cry and i scream and it doesn't make sense that i don't wear his queens crown. it's not about love. because i am not in love infact i can't stop falling out. i just want to breath. i might be having a panic attack. i took 2mg of klonopin it didn't work this is a pattern i know like the back of my hand sadness depression crisis suicide. i wasn't anorexic. i was trying to kill myself. i didn't eat because i wanted to have organ failure and die without it being 'my fault' emily what do you want to do with your life? i dont care, as long as i am not going at it alone. i've never had a friend that truly cared for me and never left me. what is wrong with me? |
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it's 12:15 am and i am not sleeping. clonazepam 2mg will not sink to the pit of my stomach tonight. i stretch to stay awake and think figure things out stress. i am trying to find a balance. alllllllll i wanna do: car apartment write read listen sing create sleeep with the one i love underneath the moon wake up to coffee and cigarettes with the one i love and if i never get him back then God please send me someone to love. i prayed i prayed i prayed and down came this angel from a place called rancho. in the midst of all my pain i was cured. say i am crazy, but i am a writer. and i can write about anything i want to. anything. if i keep it up i can be the next chuck p! |
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but i don't. |
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houstonlantavegas i have a mutha fuckin dream a dream a dream a dream a dream shit'll come true. " HAPPINESS OR BUST:" your name is tattooed on my heart. |
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I once knew an amazing and talented man he has amazing and talented hands I swam his depths until I couldn't breath anymore and until there was nothing left to lounge in. I AM DYING. Emily + Brandon RIP FEBRUARY 7TH 2009  I miss him so badly. I love him so much. Why can't he love me like I love him. I'd do anything to have him back. |
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I have cried all night. I've felt like screaming and cutting my wrist. He's going to break my heart. If he does I will fall into a deep depression. I'll be like I was before. He was heaven sent, he was a gift from God, he was somebody to love. And he's going to be gone any minute now. It makes me feel worthless. I can't even breath right now, I can't study. I don't know what to do with myself. I want to throw myself over a bridge today. I just want to end it all. Life doesn't feel worth living. I feel like I'm a bad person. Like, why doesn't he love me? What did I do so bad? I can't handle this. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't handle this at all. Lord please help me. |
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      pharmacy exam coming up; after i pass it i am going to live a better life. it'll be the next step. and i turn 20 in 2 weeks. am i happy? yeah. i'm also anxious for more to come brandon is amazing as usual, he fucks me so good. |
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hhhhhmmmmmmmmm tired look tired too having a bad night. always wanting more out of life. still wanting to run away |
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i like scarlett johansson's cover album of tom waits. tom waits on the other hand, is a fucking freak. i have to work |
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  Sofie :) Almost done with school! I can't waitttttt. Emily Peters, Pharmacy Technician & fiance of Brandon Wiley. |
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school is going well i'm doing good and i am rich teenage rich teenage millionaire it's good. |
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We spent Saturday night together. It's been over a year and we are so in love. I am happy with him. I am going to quit my jobs so I can have a beautiful garden and be thinner. I want to be a vegatarian because I am disgusted with the treatment of animals. I started crying after reading a book on them. I love my kitten, I can't imagine someone putting her in a cage and cutting her up. I watched animal planet yesterday while Brandon was sleeping (he passed out naked at 2 in the afternoon, I woke up him with spankens and told him to watch the show with me. He has the cutest butt). The show had a little cheetah named ToTo, it chirped like a bird and was so sweet. I'm too lovey dovey. I've got to get ready for work!
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life is okay. i hate livejournal though. dammit. http://s38.photobucket.com/albums/e108/j http://s38.photobucket.com/albums/e108/j why don't cuts or anything work for me? fuck it. i hate technology!!!!!!!!!! |
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it's all going downhill from here i should have killed myself in november of 2006. it's hard realizing that you don't have anybody. no one to talk to no friends and you're all alone and extremely suicidal all over again this is where starvation becomes second nature and i learn how to cope with the pain by subsituting with another i'll run away one day. i just have to. i wanted things to be nice, i wanted to be happy. |
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